How to Deal With An Irate Person

Many times, during the course of a day, we have to deal with irate people.  Whether we are in Customer Service and dealing with angry customers or school administrators dealing with angry parents, handling an irate person and being able to lead them to a more calm — and logical — state can be a very desired skill.

The most common mistake that people make is to assume that when someone is out of control, we should calm our voices to model the desired state we wish the person to have.  The assumption is that the other person will match us and a calm and logical conversation can then take place.  Unfortunately,  this rarely happens.  Instead, because of the calm demeanor, the complainant doesn’t feel heard.  Their rationale is that since the listener is not as outraged as they are, they must not have been listening or they don’t believe what was shared.  The result is no trust so the person remains angry and outraged.

A better approach is called “Pace and Lead”.  The first step is to match the complainant’s emotional intensity.  This is not agreeing with the person.  This is simply responding with the same emotions that are being presented.  If a person is complaining that the delivery person scratched the new dryer as they installed it and was outraged, the customer service rep would respond in an outraged fashion: “They what?!?  You’ve got to be kidding!  If that happened, it’s unacceptable!!”  This is pacing.  After matching the emotional intensity, the rep would begin to, slowly, de-escalate the intensity to a normal level, leading the complainant to a state that is more productive for dealing with the problem.  This is leading.  If at first the representative tries to lead, but the complainant fails to follow, the rep would simply raise the intensity level again and then try to lead the complainant back down again.  This is repeated until successful.  I’ve dealt with irate individuals in this fashion and am usually able to have them down to a productive level within 2 – 3 minutes.

This approach allows a complainant to feel heard and provides the best way to reach a calm and logical state quickly.

ILRP

Comments

[Reg]

That is a technique I am not familiar with. Where ever did you find it?

[Matt]

Can you give an example in which Person B matches Person A's intensity, DISagrees, and then is able to calm them down. In other words, I'd be interested in understanding how to "pace" when you already know you disagree with someone. (E.g., perhaps Person A is complaining ABOUT Person B, etc.)

[JimGibbon]

I've seen this work time and again in my own life, that's for sure. Great post!

[Matt Vieke]

Nice article. I have some customers to try this out on tomorrow. Thanks.

Shout out to lifehacker.com

[Bert]

Reg -- Pacing and Leading are the two central components in a rapport building technique taught by Paul Hersey and Kenneth H. Blanchard. You remember Kenneth Blanchard, he wrote "The One-Minute Manager". It comes from the book, "Management of Organizational Behavior: Utilizing Human Resources".

Matt -- As this involves building rapport, one doesn't disagree right away. One empathizes with the complainant. In fact, one can agree with any truth that happens to lie within what the complainant said, any possible truth, or simply affirm the person's feelings with the same intensity. "Wow, Mr. Smith, I can tell by your voice that you're really upset with what our representative did! Tell me more about it!!" It is only AFTER the person is lead down to a more calmer state that one can present evidence that counters what the person is complaining about.

[Dan Chambers]

Tremendous stuff, which I wish we had known when I ran a call center years ago. I stumbled on this through trial and error, not this very elegant and simple explanation. Folks, heed this! It will save you much agony. Most people just want to be treated as a real human being, and this puts a human face on a corporation quicker than any other method.

Of course, this will only work if you actually are listening, not just using this as a trick.
Thanks!

[jase]

it works. i have been doing it for a while with out being able to capture what's actually happening so concisely.

having said that - it still works when used on me :-) which is the nice part about it.

if you quickly align yourself with their behaviour, you're sharing the pain. Literally, the problem (a late delivery for example) becomes mutually inconvenient ("i'm going to have to keep the damn store open now until the driver gets back").

When you have reached agreement on just how mutually inconvenient it is, you are clearly implying that you have a big stake in getting the problem resolved too. This further aligns you with the client who is now inclined to believe you will work harder to resolve a problem for your own sake - and not just his.

magic!

[Julie]

Interestingly enough, the techinique sounds very similar to the "Fast Food" method recommended by a parenting book called "The Happiest Toddler on the Block".

Basically, when your kid is throwing a tantrum, you match their emotional intensity and try to verablize what they're feeling using simple phrases. Once the child realizes that you're able understand their frustration, it's easier to calm them down.

Nice to see it works with grownups too. :-)

[Reg]

Bert,
You know my motto, "In God we trust, All others bring Data"
I've been checking out this strategy on Paul Hersey sites.
It is going into my own personal bag-o-tricks, and will in great liklihood add it to my training sessions.
Great Tip!

[Michael]

Here's something I do that works faster than 2-3 minutes. I pace their intensity for a short burst (a second or less), then allow an expression of "Oh, man, I just yelled at this poor guy, I gotta calm down" to flash across my face, and then I speak in a level tone and at a level rate. It's as if, when I interrupt myself, I interrupt their train of emotion. It has worked for me many times, and takes several seconds.