Open Loops: How to Deal With An Irate Person

Sponsors

Click for Remote PC Repair! It's fast, easy & secure! Registration is FREE!

Link Roll

Management Craft

« Texting Etiquette | Main | One Way to Spot a Liar »

How to Deal With An Irate Person

Many times, during the course of a day, we have to deal with irate people. Whether we are in Customer Service and dealing with angry customers or school administrators dealing with angry parents, handling an irate person and being able to lead them to a more calm — and logical — state can be a very desired skill.

The most common mistake that people make is to assume that when someone is out of control, we should calm our voices to model the desired state we wish the person to have. The assumption is that the other person will match us and a calm and logical conversation can then take place. Unfortunately, this rarely happens. Instead, because of the calm demeanor, the complainant doesn’t feel heard. Their rationale is that since the listener is not as outraged as they are, they must not have been listening or they don’t believe what was shared. The result is no trust so the person remains angry and outraged.

A better approach is called “Pace and Lead”. The first step is to match the complainant’s emotional intensity. This is not agreeing with the person. This is simply responding with the same emotions that are being presented. If a person is complaining that the delivery person scratched the new dryer as they installed it and was outraged, the customer service rep would respond in an outraged fashion: “They what?!? You’ve got to be kidding! If that happened, it’s unacceptable!!” This is pacing. After matching the emotional intensity, the rep would begin to, slowly, de-escalate the intensity to a normal level, leading the complainant to a state that is more productive for dealing with the problem. This is leading. If at first the representative tries to lead, but the complainant fails to follow, the rep would simply raise the intensity level again and then try to lead the complainant back down again. This is repeated until successful. I’ve dealt with irate individuals in this fashion and am usually able to have them down to a productive level within 2 – 3 minutes.

This approach allows a complainant to feel heard and provides the best way to reach a calm and logical state quickly.

ILRP

Posted by Bert Webb in Coaching, Communication, Leadership, Management | Permalink

TrackBack

TrackBack URL for this entry:
http://www.typepad.com/t/trackback/219222/6109152

Listed below are links to weblogs that reference How to Deal With An Irate Person:

» How to "pace and lead" an irate person from Lifehacker
Blogger Bert Webb's got a great strategy for dealing with an irate customer, co-worker or associate - it's called "pace and lead." The first step is to match the complainant's emotional intensity. This is not agreeing with the person. This... [Read More]

» =?utf-8?B?ZGVsLmljaW8udXMvcG9wdWxhcg==?= from The.RSS.Reporter

Posted by:Matt | September 20, 2006 at 08:29 PM

I've seen this work time and again in my own life, that's for sure. Great post!

Posted by:JimGibbon | September 20, 2006 at 09:58 PM

Nice article. I have some customers to try this out on tomorrow. Thanks.

Shout out to lifehacker.com

Posted by:Matt Vieke | September 20, 2006 at 09:59 PM

Reg -- Pacing and Leading are the two central components in a rapport building technique taught by Paul Hersey and Kenneth H. Blanchard. You remember Kenneth Blanchard, he wrote "The One-Minute Manager". It comes from the book, "Management of Organizational Behavior: Utilizing Human Resources".

Matt -- As this involves building rapport, one doesn't disagree right away. One empathizes with the complainant. In fact, one can agree with any truth that happens to lie within what the complainant said, any possible truth, or simply affirm the person's feelings with the same intensity. "Wow, Mr. Smith, I can tell by your voice that you're really upset with what our representative did! Tell me more about it!!" It is only AFTER the person is lead down to a more calmer state that one can present evidence that counters what the person is complaining about.

Posted by:Bert | September 20, 2006 at 10:19 PM

Tremendous stuff, which I wish we had known when I ran a call center years ago. I stumbled on this through trial and error, not this very elegant and simple explanation. Folks, heed this! It will save you much agony. Most people just want to be treated as a real human being, and this puts a human face on a corporation quicker than any other method.

Of course, this will only work if you actually are listening, not just using this as a trick.
Thanks!

Posted by:Dan Chambers | September 20, 2006 at 10:52 PM

it works. i have been doing it for a while with out being able to capture what's actually happening so concisely.

having said that - it still works when used on me :-) which is the nice part about it.

if you quickly align yourself with their behaviour, you're sharing the pain. Literally, the problem (a late delivery for example) becomes mutually inconvenient ("i'm going to have to keep the damn store open now until the driver gets back").

When you have reached agreement on just how mutually inconvenient it is, you are clearly implying that you have a big stake in getting the problem resolved too. This further aligns you with the client who is now inclined to believe you will work harder to resolve a problem for your own sake - and not just his.

magic!

Posted by:jase | September 21, 2006 at 06:34 AM

Interestingly enough, the techinique sounds very similar to the "Fast Food" method recommended by a parenting book called "The Happiest Toddler on the Block".

Basically, when your kid is throwing a tantrum, you match their emotional intensity and try to verablize what they're feeling using simple phrases. Once the child realizes that you're able understand their frustration, it's easier to calm them down.

Nice to see it works with grownups too. :-)

Posted by:Julie | September 21, 2006 at 10:20 AM

Bert,
You know my motto, "In God we trust, All others bring Data"
I've been checking out this strategy on Paul Hersey sites.
It is going into my own personal bag-o-tricks, and will in great liklihood add it to my training sessions.
Great Tip!

Posted by:Reg | September 21, 2006 at 04:12 PM

Here's something I do that works faster than 2-3 minutes. I pace their intensity for a short burst (a second or less), then allow an expression of "Oh, man, I just yelled at this poor guy, I gotta calm down" to flash across my face, and then I speak in a level tone and at a level rate. It's as if, when I interrupt myself, I interrupt their train of emotion. It has worked for me many times, and takes several seconds.

Posted by:Michael | September 22, 2006 at 04:05 AM

I can attest this approach actually does work.

I'm a naturally empathic person, and I'd never heard of it as an approach before. I did it just out of sympathy with my customers.

But your great article is getting shared with my coworkers so they can hear it from somebody besides me.

Thanks for posting it; in fact, thanks for the entire site. My mind is spinning with all the great information and ideas to help me manage and oraganize my work life and my home life!

Posted by:Indigo | September 22, 2006 at 08:08 AM

Excellent advice. Thanks!

Posted by:Andy | December 18, 2006 at 07:51 PM

Proverbs 15:1, "A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger." (NKJV)

As you said, that is the intuitive route: to try and put forth an attitude to be emulated. However, you're exactly right: when I'm infuriated with my parents and they respond with robotic non-answers, it drives me _insane_.

I explained your idea to my mother, in the hopes that she might try it on me and make our arguments a little easier to bear. She responded by calling it stupid, and then compromised by saying that different people react to things in different ways.

I'll definitely be trying out your suggestion for myself.

Posted by:FekketCantenel | June 11, 2007 at 03:30 PM

My Photo

Talk to Me!

Google Chat

Categories

Recent Comments

Recent Posts

Support

Subscribe to this blog's feed

This work is licensed under a Creative Commons License.